Healing.

I don't know if anyone actually reads this, and if so, I don't know those of you that do if you actually know what's been going on with me really, so here's the low down. The past few months I've kinda gone on autopilot, that is, tuning out from the world, doing my normal, everyday activities, going to sleep, and repeating that each day. I don't really recall much of what I've done the past few months, it's like I wasn't really living and experiencing anything, I was just doing it, and it wasn't registering in my brain. I was going to see a psychologist about two months ago, but that day I was suppose to meet with him, I opted out, and decided if anyone is going to fix me, it would be me. Oh, and before I went to see the psychologist, I had taken a pretest thing for him a few weeks prior which classified me as suffering from depression and anxiety. Anyway, after opting out, I  decided, some stranger I don't even know, no matter how many degrees he has in psychology and all the stuff, would never be able to fix me. I am a product of my past. Who I am is because of what I've been through. There's no way I could ever explain 19 years of my life to some stranger and expect them to understand. The only person who truly understands you is yourself. So, I didn't go, and I don't regret it. Not too long after that, I got my first letter from my pen pal. It was completely unexpected, and I had just started writing my letters to my pen pals that day. It was a great letter, and I wrote back to her. I got back letters from my other two pen pals as well and have been texting one and plan to meet up with them one day and hang out because she lives an hour away. So, after a year of not having a girl friend, I now have two pretty good ones. Shortly after getting that first letter, I started to get back into photography. About 3 weeks ago, I picked up my camera, and started photography the world as I see it again. I've done this atleast 6 times by now in the past 3 weeks. The other day, I don't know what it was, but I was by myself, on my way down to my boyfriends, stopping here and there to take photographs, country music blasting, about 70 degrees out, and I stopped what I was doing, and I though to myself...I'm smiling, I'm happy. It was the first time I felt truly happy in probably over a year. Happiness has come and gone, here and there, but it was always temporary. It never lasted, no matter what. There was always something from my past haunting me, taking that happiness away. But that day, in that moment, I knew that I was healing. And as each day has passed since then (which, that was on monday, so it's only been a few days..but even so..) I have continued to heal. I'm becoming happier, I'm not as angry about some things as I used to be, I've forgiven all things that have happened to me this past year, I'm happy to be at my boyfriend's house and I'm falling in love with him all over again. Life is finally becoming normal, for once, things are good, and there's no stopping me from getting back to the place I used to be emotionally. I'm no longer cruising on auto pilot, but I'm living life again, enjoying each moment, every breath I take, and living life one day at a time. No more looking back on the past, no more looking to the future, just one day at a time.